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Darkness in the Sunshine

I find myself swirling inside my head today.. The emptiness I feel in my gut is almost unbearable. After a lifetime of love, laughter, anger, sadness, happiness, good times, bad times, broke as fuck times, and raking in the cash times, there will be no more times..... The life I knew yesterday is no longer that of today.
Where do I go from here? How do I continue forward when it no longer looks the same? I see no road, no path, just scary darkness ahead, and I am alone, and I am afraid. My soul lost, my heart broken, my hope destroyed. Morally I am to blame and I deserve all the pain that comes from this.. It is all those that dare to get close to me that don't deserve, the pain I cause those I love. I hope someday my children will forgive me for destroying their family, their safe place, their foundation of life, now broken because of me. I tried to be better for them, I tried to fight all my brokenness, in the end I failed them, and I failed me. But most of all I failed my partner, of over 20 years, I failed Him. Why do good people do bad things? Some questions will never be answered. Some people will never be free from demons. Someday maybe just maybe I will be forgiven.