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Darkness in the Sunshine

I find myself swirling inside my head today.. The emptiness I feel in my gut is almost unbearable. After a lifetime of love, laughter, anger, sadness, happiness, good times, bad times, broke as fuck times, and raking in the cash times, there will be no more times..... The life I knew yesterday is no longer that of today.
Where do I go from here? How do I continue forward when it no longer looks the same? I see no road, no path, just scary darkness ahead, and I am alone, and I am afraid. My soul lost, my heart broken, my hope destroyed. Morally I am to blame and I deserve all the pain that comes from this.. It is all those that dare to get close to me that don't deserve, the pain I cause those I love. I hope someday my children will forgive me for destroying their family, their safe place, their foundation of life, now broken because of me. I tried to be better for them, I tried to fight all my brokenness, in the end I failed them, and I failed me. But most of all I failed my partner, of over 20 years, I failed Him. Why do good people do bad things? Some questions will never be answered. Some people will never be free from demons. Someday maybe just maybe I will be forgiven.


Mental illness is real. Spectrums are real, and we are all on one. Loving someone burdened by mental illness, either inherent or induced through trauma, is one of the most challenging feats we face as humans. Couple that with the culture-created stigmas which foster a belief in the suppression of mental illness awareness and you start realizing just how challenging. None of those brave enough to embrace the needs of one of these angels, at the cost of their own existence, can be faulted. For anything. The demands of care giving can stress the strongest of relationships. It will destroy those with shaky foundations. ~BDS